Man oh man.

Something is going on with me. I don't know what it is. I feel depressed in a sense. I don't have any motivation, I feel like I'm fat and ugly, things are moving too slow for me in this music business, my birthday is coming up in a month, and we won't talk about that one, I think I'm going through menopause, I have more wrinkles than ever, I have been forced to buy Clearasil to clear up these d*mn zits, Stitch doesn't kiss me like she used to, Stevie's bored with me and gets tired of hearing me talk and being around me, my woman is NEVER home, and when she is we have to take care of BAND stuff most of the time or she's getting home so late we only have time to eat and go to bed. I am.... I don't know. Frustrated with life right now I guess. I hope it will pass very soon! All of it, especially the way I feel.

I received an e-mail from a photographer who wanted to know if he could use one of the pictures he took of me at our last Norva show in a brochure he's having made. He said the picture rocks and that I'm very photogenic and offered to do some band shots for us. I told him I was going to take him up on the offer, since Chris is going away for a year. He was going to do them for us this next time, but he leaves in a couple of weeks and I'm not sure if I want to take him away from his family to do that, right before he's leaving, ya know. Either way thier both great photographers, so we'll see...

I went grocery shopping just a few minutes ago and spent over a hundred bucks. I love talking to all the old people and I love it when they ask me about groceries or cooking in general. Spending money normally puts me in a good mood, and with the compliment Dave, the photographer gave me, and then my woman telling me all the things a woman needs to hear when she's down, has helped a little bit. It's all in my head though, I'm a weirdo! Got to get it out! I need a valiume. That doesn't look right, I don't need to know how to spell it to take one that's for sure.

I bought some cute little cupcakes to finish out celebrating Carrie's birth month. I'm going to bring them to the show tomorrow night at The Little Creek Inn for her to eat and pass around. I'm going to put a candle on each one of them, they are so cute and little! We spoiled her this year, giving or making her something every week. We're trying to do different things to celebrate our birth months, instead of throwing a huge party at one of our shows like we've done the past few years. Now we all go to eat at Hooter's and go to a titty bar which the band pays for, give gifts all through the month, things like that. It's worked out great so far. I think we're going to keep it up.

Alright, I'm going to go downstairs and do absolutely nothing for a change, if I can. The house is clean, clothes are clean, shopping done... I'm not working out today, or for the rest of the week I think. My body needs a break and I'm just tired. We'll see what happens. I don't know if I can do this, but I have to change something in order to be happy.

It all makes sense now!

No wonder I was dragging around, Aunt Flow has decided to pay me a visit, on and off, for the next couple of days. She doesn't hang around me for very long since I've gotten older, thank God! Well, I don't know if that's a good thing or not, now that I think about it!

We played Friday night at H2O's as scheduled. It all went really well, saw a few people I haven't seen in a long while. I got a little worried during our break, the main bartender guy that works there insisted on playing music that were running poeple out of there and back home and in the bed! I quickly told him this and he started to play something a little more up-beat and pumping. It kind-a pissed us off a little though. For the most part, it was a crowded house and everyone was having a great time. That's what counts the most.

Stayed in all day on Saturday! It was wonderful. I had Brea and the kids all to myself. My baby got to catch up on some much needed rest and took a couple af naps, she even missed Cops cause she was snoozing. I wanted to wake her up to talk and stuff, but I was happy with her being in the same room I was. We bought 4 new movies over the weekend and got to watch all of them without any interuptions. That's really unusual for us around here, sometimes it takes us two and three days to watch one movie and it drives me crazy! Unless we're at the beach house where no one knows how to reach us! That's some crazy stuff, huh?!

Today was clean house day, and I mean clean house day... mopping, the toilets, bleaching the shower, spot cleaning the carpets, dusting and wiping off the televisions... I'm a little pooped now! I still have to fit my workout in. My body has a hard time staying put, and makes me feel guilty if I'm not up doing something. It's really used to being pushed and likes it strangely enough! What my mind says is something totally different though.

My woman is going to make me... CHICKEN LIVERS tonight! I love me some chicken livers! I usually get them when we're on our way home from doing our Hopewell shows. I haven't had any in a long time now, like two months! That's a long time to me, a real long time.

The day's going by pretty fast, can't wait for my woman to get home. Wanna hear something funny? I was paying off a bill that's in her name today, and as we got to the part about "reading the name as it appears on the card" part the lady stopped me because the name wasn't the same. I proceeded to explain to her that B****** Hawk was my wife and that I take care of all her financial expenses. She got real quiet... I could tell by the hesitation in her voice that she was clearly confused. I tought to myself, let me answer her question for her so she's not sitting there WONDERING what I had just told her. I blurted out, " Yes, I'm a woman and so is she, we're MARRIED and WE ARE LESBIANS... I pay the bills." Well, needless to say she was no longer confused! You'd think people have heard it enough already these days, and it should be no surprise to anyone anymore. Guess not! Anyway, the lady giggled and so did I, it was pretty funny. I just get tired of explaining it, shouldn't have to! Just accept my answers and I'll accept yours and just move on with your life, as we do, and get over it cause it definetly ain't going no where any time soon!
That's what I want to say to the world!

Gonna be a long day...

I have a feeling today is going to drag, like the way my *ss feels too. I have just been in a kind-a blah mood. I felt the same way yesturday too and I thought I would feel better after I worked out, but it took everything I had in me to finish that d*mn exercise routine! Maybe today, I have faith, will be better.

We are going to be pushing for time all day long, Brea has to go to that remote when she gets off work just to rush home straight afterwards to try to make it on time to the bar to set up and play before 10pm. We can do it though, we've done it before and been in much worse situations.

I am hoping my little cousin Brianna comes out tonight for a bit. If she does we are going to pull her little butt on stage to sing a little. She is one of us in the making, she can hang with the girls and is truly a gem to be around.

I have so many little birthdays coming up, I have actually sat back and thought to myself, "where in the world have all these little people come from?" My Niece Maddy will be 5 next month, Jizz's Mark Anthony will be 7 in August, I think Brianna's birthday is at the end of July, and my twins celebrate their first birthday August 31st! Whew, let me break out the credit cards!

I also recieved some bad news from close friends of ours. Kim and Chris- well the Navy has decided to send Chris away to, I forget where but a little boring place, for an entire year! He leaves like the second week in July. We hate to see him go and know Kim is going to be lonely. We hope she knows that our family is her family and we are there for her if and when she needs us. I'm sure they're both going to be depressed for a while. Hopefully it will go by fast.

I am going to enjoy this weekend, I am looking forward to some down time, and the best part is that the kids and I won't be lonely! My woman will be here with us, at least until Sunday evening. That's good enough for me!

I'll be back on in here on Monday. I'm really trying to keep this thing updated ya know.

Now I'm motivated...

Brea, Carrie and I got to check out the new DVD our boys from N.Y. has made. We all decided to meet at Carrie's cousins house, Tina George to watch it. She has a better computer system than I do. It's very special and I think it might take us to the next level. We'll just have to sit back and wait. It's REALLY good, that's about all I can say. And that we're really excited!

Went shopping last night as well, bought a few new shirts and stuff. Had a little money to blow, so we blew it! We had a great time though.

I am going to workout early today and maybe lay out a little bit, depending on how I feel. I have a feeling all day tomorrow is going to be pretty hectic and busy. Brea has a remote after the station tomorrow and before our show... we're going to be pushing it. I can feel it already. we're off Saturday night though, which I'm looking forward to. Know what comes on...
Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do... whatcha gonna do when they come for you! Yeah, I like that show, one of my favorites.

For some reason I have a brain fart... don't know what else to write.
Oh, took the infant, Stitch, to the doctor yesturday and everything went smoothly. She just had to go in for her booster shot. While I was there I spoke to their doctor about Stevie, and her fear of thunderstorms. She reviewed her chart and suggested a new sort of sedative for older kids. Since nothing the past few years have worked, I asked if it was possible to obtain a sample and she happily obliged. So, an hour before a thunderstorm comes, I hope I can figure that out, I am going to give Stevie a pill and see how she reacts. I hope it works so she will feel calm whenever storms come, cause she really throws a fit! And if it does, I call in a prescription and pick it up! Our kids have the best doctor, Dr. Denise Cisco at Friendship Vet. Hospital on Little Creek Rd. in case anyone wants to know...

Alright, going to do my daily routines...

Same old stuff...

Been doing a lot of communicating with my boys in New York. We have a special project we've been working on for a long while now, almost a year and I do believe it's going to start paying off here pretty soon. So I'm pretty excited about that.

I have also been talking with a guy from Ninevolt Magazine, who I think is going to do a story about the band. He's been asking a lot of questions and also wanting some photos. Usually when that happens their doing a story about ya.

No practice this week, we're taking it easy. But there is one thing we have to do, and that's checking one of our speakers. We think there's a loose connection somewhere or the horn's blown. Either way we have to figure out what it is and fix it. Sounds like lots of fun to me!

I want to be famous so bad, and I want Brea to be famous so bad and Carrie too. Carrie and I spoke for an hour today on the phone about everything that's going on around us. We can taste the money and success in the air. One things for sure, once we ARE there no one can say the three of us don't deserve it, or haven't worked for it, cause we have! Not including all the bullsh*t politics that surround being in a band or bullsh*t people we've come across along the way. And there's a lot of them, let me tell ya!

Tomorrow is our sound guy, Jizz's, daughter's birthday. I must run out today, when I'm done with my workout and all of course, and pick up a gift and card so he can bring her over here tomorrow to get it. She's a little Janet, Ms. Jackson if your nasty, little cutie pie. And she loves her Aunt Angela and Aunt Brea. She wants to be in good shape like her Auntie and is always flexing her little bicep muscle for me to feel. She got that from one of the pictures of us on the site where I'm flexing my arm. I love it!

My little cousin Briannna is the same way. I have to make time for her to come and spend a few days with me. I promised when school was out that she could, and I won't go back on my word.

Alright, guess I'm through for the day. Let me go and decide what to pull out of the freezer, if I decide to pull anything out at all. Might have lassagna or something, who knows. I better figure something out though soon, so when my baby comes home she can have a good meal.

Going to tend to the kids, workout, shower, go to the store, Oh, and Carrie's coming over to hang out and chat. Be back soon.

Ok, I'm back!

Stevie and I went to our beach house on Friday and came back on Saturday. I had to cut the grass, hang up a few new pictures my mom bought us for the place and I defrosted the freezer out. Things that really needed to be done. I was sweating my tell off after I cut the grass, which at some parts were as tall as me. But it was nothing a few Icehouses wouldn't fix! And Stevie did get her very own soft taco and enjoyed every minute of it!

Brea had a very tough weekend, with all the remotes, 3 to be exact and playing in the band really has worn her out. Carrie, Jizz and I had a really good time Saturday night at Okey Dokey's. Carrie was a mess, and so was I. It was all pretty funny, from what I remember... definatly a night I'll never forget. Isn't that funny!

Today is no different than any other Monday. Doing the usual housework, laundry, workout...
One thing is different though, my woman is downstairs right now getting some well deserved rest. She had to call in to the station, she's not feeling well at all. That's what I'm here for though, to take care of her... It's a tough job but someone's got to do it! Nah, really though she's like a little baby when she's sick, I love it.

Going to exercise, then I'm going to take advantage of the time I have with my girls today. This sort of thing doesn't happen all the time. Other than going grocery shopping I'm home for the day. Sloppy Joes for dinner tonight.

Today I relax!

Usually, Thursdays are my relaxation day. No exercising or work! I love it.

Our show last night at the Little Creek Inn was really fun. We all had a great time. I was hoping for an early night cause we were told that there was also going to be a party going on, so they wanted half band half latino music. Ended up being just band! It was flattering that they wanted us to keep playing but I was set on coming home early. Never works out the way I want it to.

Tomorrow Stevie and I are riding down to our beach house to take care of a few things.I promised Stevie that we would stop at Taco Bell and I would get her a soft taco all to herself, so she's looking forward to it. Brea has a remote Friday night and again Saturday morning so it works out alright. I wouldn't be able to spend any time with her anyway so I'll do something useful. I miss the normal life, if that's what you want to call it. You know, like a normal schedule.

I really don't feel like writing anymore so I'll continue probably tomorrow. For now, I'm going to go downstairs, get my baby and curl up in the bed and watch some T.V. if my body will allow it. I miss my woman and wish she was here, didn't want her to leave me this morning but she had to, for her family, her package, us!

Steaks, potatos and greens for dinner tonight... can't wait!

I'm really behind...

I'm so behind in my diary it's not even funny. I have a lot of old and new things that have been going on since I last wrote.

Brea', my poor baby, is spending a lot of time away from me it seems, with working everyday at the station, then all the remotes (appearances) they ask her to do and with the band stuff she never has any time. We never have any time together anymore unless it's hanging out with a bunch of people. And when we are at home our phone seems to ring non-stop. We did go fishing all alone this past Saturday afternoon which was wonderful. I think we've decided to slow the band shows down a bit for the next few months. Play like every other weekend or something, mainly focus on going out of town. That would help a bit.

I go with with her, sometimes, to her remotes. I don't want to bother her while she's working and I get tired of being around people all the time. We always end up having a great time but it wears me out just as I know it does her too. We were at Mitty's the other night and had a room to chill in and everything, we always do. She and Jizz ended up passing out on me and Brea' decided the best way to shut me up about going home so she could shut her eyes would be to let me order a pizza. So while they snoozed I ate... then I woke them b*tches up to go home! Had to, my kids were here waiting and they knew we weren't out playing a show! It was pretty funny though.

We have been working on some really special projects. I am doing everything I can to see that this band retires making music. It's hard work but I just know it's going to pay off in the end. It just always seems like we are waiting for someone or something else before we can go any further. I'm impatient anyways... and that doesn't help.

I am getting my little cousin involved in the music business, she's eight and adorable. I figure since the bug has bitten her to just let her go and see what happens. She has lots of potential, I think I'm going to try and get her to come out soon to H2O'S to get on stage and play around with us, she loves it and so do we. She needs the experiences anyways! It's good for her, starting her out young and watch what happens.

I could go on and on about things cause I'm so behind. But I must start the laundry and straighten up the house. Then I have to throw my workout in and hopefully a shower before my woman gets home. Having Pork Chops tonight for dinner so I better go take those out too.
Be back soon.